Categories
Prose and Poetry

Routine

Poetry written in 2015 (early junior year of HS). Silver Key in National Scholastic Art and Writing Awards.

The ring of my father’s phone echoes 
His fingers ballerina against the glass glow. 
I stare into darkened windows around me 
but cannot find another human. 
We move, a machine among machines.

people at Time Square, New York city at night

Around me, road billboards preach the cult of a culture  
Goods are the gods, 
nauseating neon signs the preachers, 
consumers the congregation. 
All this, but still we won’t confess: 
Festering inside modern life is an illusion. 
Moldering in our grueling routine
A fungus we never discuss. 

I walk as always into the conditioned air and hollow glow 
of the store, the temple of lucrative religion. 
Around me masses flow into aisles like restless ocean tides 
Devout addicts shambling into dope-houses 
Monks marching into a well-stocked monastery. 
People conditioned to care only for hollow things 
They feel the trembling of their lifesprings
In a steady rhythm of income;
They are oblivious to the rhythm of their own hearts.

person walking inside building near glass

The market-goers tear designer-made cloth hides off shelves
to hide the alienation they feel from themselves. 
Across vast ocean their human kin 
pour sweat into clothes they could never afford, 
shackled slaves of a system they could never share in. 
Without thought purchasers conscript their currency
To the cause of yoking the scarred hunchback of half the world
to the reins of their “needs,” manufactured and absurd.

Their side of the poverty line trash food that doesn’t sell; 
The other side they lash themselves for morsels. 
Stores founded by the fortunate funded by the pain of the poor 
But agony is irrelevant when it’s on a distant shore. 

boy holding cardboard box

Rows of pencils adorning lustrous steel shelves
Conjure up mirages of massacres.
Rows upon rows of guillotined copses. 
Bodies mutilated, piled in the back of a truck. 
Bodies of carbon, corpses of trees. 
We hoard with the infinite thirst of black holes 
But how will we quench thirst from a toxic well? 

We’re manufacturing our Earth into a gateway to Hell 
Greased Gulf oil slicks turn pristine sea into River Styx. 
Humanity’s a fetus cutting its own umbilical cord,
Self-immolating before we’ve realized our potential. 
Venomous fumes seethe into filthy atmosphere:
Have we forgotten that we live here?

$mokestacks – digital art by Jeremy Hadfield, made to illustrate this poem.

I leave the temple and feel I’ve left a rollercoaster
The world swirls around me as I pass the grocer 
In every inch of my vision, signs of a gangrenous age 
Dents in the glaring white walls tell of lives lived.
But I cannot imagine life in this leeching bleached building. 

Our stomachs are empty in a cornucopia.
Emaciated in a society saturated by gagging opulence 
that seeps into our blackened souls when we cannot see. 
When the miasma clogs our lungs we will finally realize 
Lucre can’t allay the devil’s fee. 

The only passion I find is confined in synthetic-lit aisles. 
I can’t blind myself to the guile in these smiles; 
Counterfeit happiness mass-produced in factories. 
Around me bodies decomposing in chains,
Locked up by a desperate desire to devour trivial material. 
Will we consume until the will to consume is all that remains? 

Categories
Prose and Poetry

Ballerina at the Border

A piece inspired by seeing Yo Yo Ma’s Spring 2019 performance at the Mexico-US border in Laredo. Written during a brief episode of lexical-gustatory synesthesia.

Yo Yo Ma’s performance at Laredo

La placer por la presencia de Yo-Yo-Ma

This sentence tastes like a milkshake; it flows playful down the tongue

The way water and children descend slides 

Chocolate milk, foamy cream have the same taste; and so does la orilla de Juarez, but less airy.

How I imagine the futuristic ice cream they sell at waterparks—the stuff we could never afford—would taste.

Miracle dots that pop in your mouth and taste of the aether. 

Borders everywhere but he dances across the edges

Leaping between marina and marina, an explorer moving between port and port 

La greca conquest-established now at “peace” with people settled but restless 

La frontera, la necessita para bordear todo — the way we must always wrap up and nothing: 

His glasses encircle his eyes like the line around zero encircles Nothing. 

Even our ineffable eyes must bordered by frames, even emptiness must be bounded by the line around 0.

We call them “states of being.” There are no states of Being.

Must Being itself be a state, a territory with borders enforced?

Thus we resist when we cross from one state to another, from sadness to anger, from fear to happiness; 

But Being is boundless, unwrappable, unbridled, not bordered

Yet our internal border-guards and surveillance cameras ensure

we are panopticoned; we cannot move between them with fluidity and will.

Can we imagine the change if we erased these internal lines?

The absurd theatrical rigor of any border: 

watching for, defending against, migrations between states.

As futile as a beach protecting itself from sand.

But how can we resist the border? Not with violence but play. 

Like the cellist as the ballerina of la bambelina 

¿Perra que pensaste la frontera, la arriate son fáctico?

His bow plays with the stiffness of the cello

Just as a free mind plays with the rigidity of the border. 

Fitting the cell-strings align parallel with bars of the fence behind him

Of course the taught hairs strung along the bar his virtuoso explores

Should align with the horizontal bars of the fence. 

Violin strings intertwining two cities: two sets of strings

The way a migrant crosses through a fence

His bowstrings cross the neck and fingerboard,

Lines against lines—

border lines vs road lines, bridge lines vs wall lines, fence lines vs violin lines.  

(piece of digital art I made to illustrate Yo Yo Ma’s playing with lines)

Lines upon lines, alignments upon alignments. 

To play with a violin is to play between borders, 

To cross the border between the bow and the strings endless times. 

Cellist and Ballerina: coincidence that the two lines of those words

Imitate the lines of a fence? Collision between horizontal and vertical. 

Both have the same purpose: freeing us from cells and borders. 

The horizontal, flat, parallel-with-the-dirt motion of the cello bow 

Crossing with the cello itself, sliding across the vertical towards-the-sky, 

Ending in the gnarled deadal of the wood scroll 

His bow is like a train, turned sideways, careening off track 

Spark-flying wheels screeching against rails, ignoring their neat rows

Playing chaos itself, anarchic disrespect for The Grid,

but matches it with calmness–An elegant bridge of cello

gently spanning the abyss between drawn lines.

A never-ending Tale of Two Cities: los dos Laredos.

Categories
Bipolar Prose and Poetry

Candlelit

Published in the Stonefence Review May 23, 2019. This version has new edits.

They urge: use mania as midnight oil.

The last calories in an emaciated stomach, a trickle of water in a dessicated bladder, the fumes in an empty tank. I must burn it before I run out, or I will be left with mere paucity.

I am a candle. My function is illumination. And if I don’t illuminate? Throw out the wax with the litter.

So I must live it all forwards and understand it backwards. Throw out tatters for my future self to weave together. For him to follow clues as Sherlock, searching for a kidnapped child. To bumble and stumble along a thread of M&Ms a child left for me to trace. Coalesce fragments into coherence, weave strewn strings into tapestry. Solder shards of glass into a transparent stained mosaic.

The wax must melt and create light or it will be gone forever, the light impossible to reproduce again. And I fear: are they right?  I question if my wax is insufficient. Maybe the luminance I have witnessed is impossible to package, to wrap in the dry cardboard of words. An unmappable territory.

What are but words but mere maps, and thoughts territories? And the more intricate our map the more the terrain is obscured – “The more elaborate his labyrinths, the further from the Sun his face.”* We dig into the system until our heads barely emerge from the pit, engulf ourselves in the model. The futility of mere concepts and tools, yeastless chimeras of the objective. Theory is inevitably less complex than life itself just as round numbers are always false. Then how can I communicate this?

Understanding life is a supertask: the complexity is impossible to understand because an accurate model must be more complex than the system itself. Therefore the system cannot contain the model.

Existence, in all its menagerie of particles, movements, forces, cells, beings. We fumble at understanding, writing equations and laws and theories that are simultaneously elegantly true and hopelessly inadequate. We reach desperately for a meaning, something to give sense. Yet if we could see the universe transparent, exposed, true, we would not find our thoughts there.

Everything we have constructed, our desperate web-making and model-forming

— all absent.

And yet, if it was all absent, then this theory I am writing now could not be present either. Contradictions, doubts, convictions shattered by uncertainties. Contorting in an agony of agnosticism.

Why do two colors put together sing? Why do words, bound by punctuation and structure, shriek for release and ravage the mind? Words are just the motes on a rainbow, but aren’t my words different?

I am worm-wriggling through dirt, but am I glimpsing light through aerated soil? No. Nothing can overcome these bonds. My thoughts caged birds, even upon escaping their wings are clipped. A prisoner in the need to express. And if I fail, I will have committed the ultimate unforgivable sin, doomed myself to outer darkness. But maybe that fate is inevitable? Impossible to avoid? I begin to doubt.

They call it a disability but they fetishize bipolar artists.

And then they use the “bipolar” as an insult, an adjective, an attack vector.

As long as they enjoy the products of this disease they accept it. If the illness manufactures The Starry Night than so be it. Van Gogh can keep his disorder, we will take it and mythologize it — people will say things like “he swallowed yellow paint to produce happiness in himself,” having voyeuristic mental orgasms over their own genius angst. If bipolar squeezes A Farewell to Arms out of Hemingway and onto paper, then we will acquiesce and accept the disease as a miracle.

Are we so terrified of anything that resists easy ordering?  Imagine Plato given tenure. Virginia Woolf completing grant applications. Da Vinci in a psych ward. Does our system of relentless repression, unending organization, ceaseless scheduling, endless elimination of the non-normal, even allow for people like this to exist? Why are we so afraid of being labeled a disorder? Is chaos such a horror?

Psychiatrists say “as long as bipolar allows you function it is not a disorder.” They act as if this is a liberating insight from the ancestral Tablets of Psychological Research. But they are in fact repeating a simple folk-capitalist verdict: if you can produce, you are healthy. For what is the referent of “functioning” in our culturo-linguistic context? The ability to produce valuable work, where value is measured, calibrated, computed. Churchill, they say, ransomed his life to vanquish Nazis. And since Winston won the war, the vicious “black dog,” caged away in his mind is exempt from judgement. But if he didn’t? The bipolar would see blame.

Bipolar makes us sinners. Our redeeming grace is creation. To complete our repentance, we must become our own messiah. We have only a static set of paths through the Garden of Gethsemane. Bipolar gives us few options. A simple formula generates a finite set of final points: concatenate a word that denotes bipolar to a word for creative product = [chaotic genius, tempestuous artist, troubled savant, unstable scholar, volatile virtuoso].

Apply a label to yourself, make it reality—————————and be atoned.

But if bipolar destroys you, if it rips you apart from the inside? If it tears through your mind like an inferno through a building, leaving it a charcoal husk? If you find no way to express it, actualize it, translate it into some form of art or commodity?

Then you have two options: end the bipolar or yourself. Medication or self-medication, with noose, needle, nicotine, gin, anti-nephalism, innumerable more.

If we get another masterpiece, then bipolar is justified. If not? If you don’t create? Your existence as a “bipolar person” is not warranted. The sickness-unto-death which makes you who you are should be eliminated.

How can I express this all?

Exulansis engulfs me but I cannot exculpate myself: expression is the only route to expiation. The rest of my life I will carry this burden. And if I fail I will carry its guilt instead until it collapses upon me. Who has given me this task? No one. But I must do it anyway.

*Na’ima, Mikha’il. The Book of Mirdad. Unknown page.

Categories
Prose and Poetry

Moving Out

Never again will I have to bear

the shrill of screams

As some pitiful sibling endures a bath.

The mess of a house tearing at the seams,

The grateful hugs of a fragile sister.

Nights cut short by a sharp curfew,

Brothers wrestling as dirt flew,

And you know no one will ever hurt you.

Parents give unwanted advice, incessant

Always treat you like an adolescent.

Home falls far short of ideals.

Less than perfect homemade meals,

Every bedtime raucous with squeals.

Floor festooned with debris, never clean

But at least it’s never empty.

Every week another crisis,

Mom stressing about rice prices,

Laughs absorbed into yellowed sidewalls

Stepping on the floor where a child sprawls.

How can I walk out a door I’ve always walked in?

Where I’ve slept every year since birth,

Where I know every edge and margin

Where six placentas are buried in the garden.

Someday soon I’ll come home,

To walk again the hills I once would roam,

To see if the cracks in the ceiling have moved,

And show somehow my worth I’ve proved.

To meet with my moth-eaten bed so old,

And test if its springs still recognize my mold

Someday I’ll walk as always,

through the same hallways,

Look in the same eyes and see the same worries,

But it won’t ever be the same.